Show up Early and Win Some Crap

Back on July 12, 1979, while the inky footprint was still drying on my birth certificate, Steve Dahl was busy blowing up disco records and igniting a riot on the field at Comiskey Park. The brainchild of owner/promoter extraordinaire, Bill Veeck, and his son, Mike, Disco Demolition Night was the most infamous ballpark promotion ever, marked the only time Harry Caray was the “sober” one, and was also my day of birth.

So maybe I was born with a predisposition towards magnetic schedules, bobbleheads and soft 6-pack coolers. Or maybe I really need a Devil Rays fishing lure or a Blue Jays Mr. Potato Head to feel complete. But I know one thing: if it’s free, I’m buying.

With Memorial Day in the rearview mirror and the dog days just up the road a piece, it is time for the American sports fan to start charting their course for the summer. For many of us, that will include a trip or two to the ballpark and all the iconic accoutrements of hot dogs, beer and scorecards. But with your little slice of Americana, you will also get soaring ticket prices, “entrepreneurial” parking fees and, if you’re trying to weasel your way into Fenway, a generally sour transaction with a scalper. (While not the world’s oldest profession, it is assuredly the most aptly named.) All that gouging and that’s just the price of admission, you may have to sit through a 10-2 stinker or saddle up next to a fan whose supposed baseball knowledge is matched only by his girth. Going to a game, while always great in theory, is a pretty iffy proposition.

That’s why it’s important to make sure that you don’t go home empty-handed and that’s why I’m here, with my birthright in hand, to guide you. While the minors are the true home to the odd, inane and absurd promotions, the majors will occasionally strike gold with a truly unique freebie. A third of the MLB season is already gone, but there are still plenty of chances to show up early and win some crap. Allow me to introduce: The Best MLB Promotions of the Summer.

6/3 – Twins v. A’s – Mathletics Day

I was a bit of a mathlete back in my glory days, dominating the local MATHCOUNTS circuit, so this is right in my wheelhouse. Unfortunately, this promotion is open only to 1^st through 8^th grade students who complete a workbook in exchange for two free tickets to the game. Promoting math education is fine, but it should make for an interesting culture clash between the baby geniuses who memorized multiplication tables in 2^nd grade and the 13-year-old jocks who can’t believe they got into the game for simply reading a bar graph. This workbook, like Barry Zito, seems to be all over the place. Honestly, I expected something a bit more challenging from the think tank that spawned Moneyball, but still fun.

9/9 – A’s v. Devil Rays – Surprise Figurine

The first 15,000 (or likely all 15,000) fans in the door get a surprise player figurine set to be determined by fan votes. This seems like a great way to give a little back to the fans and get them involved, but I think it’s a brilliant ploy by the D-Rays front office to finally determine just who D-Rays fans actually enjoy watching. I’m laying 3-5 odds right now that the player who wins the vote is the cover boy for the media guide in 2007.

7/28 – Cardinals v. Cubs – Bud Floppy Hat Day

The ultimate in ballpark swag. I’ve seen more of these hats on WGN than I’ve seen Cubs victories. Old men, bikini-clad babes, it seems all of Chicago has one of these hats, but don’t be fooled by the imitators. If it doesn’t have the red Budweiser band, Harry wouldn’t approve. The hat seems to perfectly sum up the typical Wrigley Field experience: it was hot, I was drunk and the Cubs probably lost.

All Season Long – Anyone v. Marlins – Sit Wherever You Want Day…Really, No One Will Care

The most underrated promo on the list. According to ESPN.com, so far in 2006 the Marlins are averaging just under 12,000 fans per game, filling a league low 32% of their seats. While bad news for the Marlins, this is great news for baseball fans. Simply buy the cheapest ticket available and then move to any seat in the ballpark. Try a new one every inning, I doubt the Marlins even hire ushers at this point.

9/19 – Cardinals v. Cubs – TBD Back-to-School Item Day

The brains behind the Cubs have yet to determine exactly what back-to-school item they’ll be giving away, but rather than waste a ruler or pencil sharpener on some kids who will lose it before they’re home, I hope the front office can really use this opportunity to dump some overpriced talent. The first fan 12 or under in the door gets Juan Pierre and his .235 batting average. The second can have Kerry Wood. Put him on the shelf in your locker, he’s used to it. This will continue until all the deadweight on the Cubs roster has been removed. Arrive early for best selection.

8/4 – Red Sox v. Devil Rays – Cowbell Night

This could be a nightmare for the Red Sox as the first 10,000 fans wearing Devil Rays gear will receive a cowbell and the opportunity to explore the studio space…(no, I will not make an SNL/BOC reference in this paragraph)…endlessly annoy everyone involved. Over the past few years the Sox and Rays have kindly created a sort of beanball rivalry that adds a bit of drama to this normally mismatched series, and the sound of 10,000 cowbells should expedite the inevitable brawl. While it may make my ears ring for days, I think the D-Rays fans would be doing everyone a disservice if they didn’t perform the hell out of that cowbell…(it’s so hard)…remiss if they didn’t rattle all night long. That way, after David Ortiz hits his game-winning homer, it’ll be that much sweeter when he tosses his bat and seems to scream…COCK OF THE WALK! (Sorry, I lost it in the ninth.)

See, a trip to the ball park doesn't always have to feel like a mugging, sometimes the best things in life really are free. At least until the Indians bring back 10-cent beer night.