I Am Corn. Hear Me Roar.

It's very easy to stereotype football fans of any particular school (See: Clay Travis v. the University of Florida). Nebraska fans know this as well as anybody thanks to the antics of one T.J. Simers over the past two years. We're hicks who travel well due to a lack of other compelling options on the vast, corny plains.

I don't have a problem with that but some do. If you're one of the latter bunch you probably shouldn't purchase this shirt:

Nothing against the great Husker Hounds, but please don't buy this. If you do I can't help you. I frequently check on the state of Cornhusker merchandising in hopes of finding pieces that are appealing and/or wearable. I've let some egregious offenses slide from time to time, but this? "This ain't no sweet corn?" All derision, finger pointing and snickering will be entirely justified.

Don't get me wrong, I love corn. I love the way it tastes, I love the alcohol it makes and I love that it is the de facto symbol for all things Nebraska. In fact, it's tough to do corn wrong unless you make it look like a snarling, football-toting octopus.

In hopes of preventing any future offenses to good taste, allow me to provide a brief primer on acceptable graphical usage of this great plant:

Corn as dirigible = GOOD



Snarling, flexing corn = BAD

Corn as babe-toting rocket/phallic symbol = GOOD

Corn as foam chapeau that always tears right about the temple area = BAD

The real lesson here is that anthropomorphizing corn is always a bad idea. Corn isn't ill-tempered. It isn't strong. It doesn't have muscles or carry footballs. It isn't big enough to fit on your head.

Corn does, however, fit perfectly in the back pocket of your overalls. It is delicious. It did help the pilgrims populate our country. It is Nebraskan.

Isn't that enough?