What's college football without whiskey? It's carried into tailgates by the handle, poured into soda bottles for easy stadium entry and used to make ordinary chicken breasts extraordinary on Saturdays. It gives you the courage to follow your team on the road and the illogic to defend the BCS when it benefits your alma mater.
Despite all that, I'm not really interested in the elixir itself but rather the vessel that used to carry it. Whatever happened to the college-branded decanter?
I grew up in a house that prominently featured a shrine to The King and bourbon. As far as I knew, we had every single Elvis decanter available.But that wasn't all. Mixed in with the demolition derby trophies and ceramic Presley bottles, were liquor-laced shrines to the Devaney era Huskers. Jerry Tagge, Johnny Rodgers, and some ugly, random helmeted dude took their place alongside beer league bowling trophies as honored talismans.
Today such marketing seems like another casualty of the politically correct era. What college would knowingly link themselves to hooch? None and that's too bad because packaging booze in team-themed decanters probably wouldn't result in fans drinking more whiskey, just buying more. Just check out the number of decanters available on eBay right now, half of them still full.
Well begin our tour of the sadly defunct, appropriately enough, in the former Southwest Conference:
Texas Tech -- Looks a lot like Yosemite Sam, which is appropriate considering the offensive stylings of Mike Leach. Shoot early and shoot often, accuracy be damned. I doubt that any of the following decanters were "officially licensed" as no official university trademarks appear, but that's what makes them great and gives us hope for the future. Maybe there are still ways around using the copyrighted stuff.University of Houston -- There is some debate on-line as to whether or not this decanter is meant for Washington State or Houston fans, but based on the fact that we have three other SWC teams represented, I'm guessing this one rooted for Andre Ware.
Oklahoma State -- Is it just me or does this decanter look suspiciously like another Big XII trademark?Texas Ag. & Mech -- Young cadet or park ranger? You decide.
Baylor -- Oh, poor Baylor. That's the same dazed look you'll see before or after 6 conference games in any given season.
Texas -- I know there are better Longhorn decanters out there. Who drinks more whiskey than Texans? Distillers are sitting on a gold mine in the Lone Star state.
Of course, this wasn't just limited to the SWC, at one time or another almost every college received the full treatment...
Kansas State -- As the Yun' Ball Coach said, "even their decanters are ugly as hell." Sure, the Wildcat is sitting on a basketball but we all know that K-State basketball is a joke. Just ask Bob Huggins. (Yes, Nebrasketball is a joke as well, I know.)Missouri -- I'm not even sure I could drink the contents of this and that's saying a lot. It's got a garage-sale quality kitty cat head and some tiger stripes on the legs. Frightening, but not in an intimidating sort of way.
Drake -- Yes, there are more than just relays going on at this Des Moines school. That's how wide spread the decanter movement used to be. Even 1-AA schools got their own.
Now, however, no school gets a decanter and that's a shame. Tell me you wouldn't forgo the Bud on a fall Saturday if Sparty was staring back at you from the shelves. Convince me that popping the head of Smokey for a snort isn't better than some random bottle of Jack.
You can't do it and, literally, you can't do it. Those days are gone like the tearaway jersey. But if you're looking for a way to crack into collegiate marketing this might be the way to go. Just think about the tailgating arms race that takes place each weekend--who's got the biggest grill, who's got the most elaborate spread-- and imagine the potential market for these things.
If you ever get that business up and running, you can mark me down for all of them.
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