It's OK, I speak Osbornish

Doctor Tom is back. I don't know about you but I feel freakin' great.

There are still a lot of questions that remain to be answered even after Osborne spent 30 minutes or so with the media yesterday. Let's face it, the laconic former coach and Congressman was never that easy to get a read on.

Luckily for you, like Tom Osborne, I am an alumnus of Hastings College and completed 12 credit hours in Little Blue River Osbornish as required for my degree. As I learned on the campus of HC, deciphering Osborne's typically dry and eternally respectful statements requires a well-honed insensitivity to voice immodulation and a whole lot of subjective reading in to things.

Here are some of the highlights from the Osborne press conference, followed by a translation. For the record, they don't mic the reporters during these things so the questions you see are just paraphrases that maintain the gist of what was actually asked.

Q: How do you unite the fans around this football team?

A: "One person can't do that. It is important to point out that we're still 4-3, we've won more than we've lost. That part of it is good. Naturally, we'd like to see the intensity level pick up to what we've grown accustomed to."

Translation: You mean, "unite the fans around the team" in the way that I have just done by taking this job? With all due respect, I would never claim the ability to do that...even though I just did. Let's hit somebody.

Q: Is it safe to say that no further changes with the current coaching staff will occur during this season?

A: "Bill Callahan is in charge of the football staff and he'll be in charge until the season is over and then we'll evaluate it at that point. One thing I'd like to say is I don't like to leave people dangling so I'll let them know what my assessment is as we go along.

I'll probably have a meeting with the football staff sometime soon and let them know some of the things I've observed and we'll go from there. There won't be any changes really until after this season (ribs elbowed by Perlman and then a knowing wink) and maybe not at all."

Translation: I meant what I said about not leaving people dangling. You'll notice that I mentioned the end of this season twice. No one should feel like they're coaching for their job. They're not.

Q: Twenty recruits have already verbally committed to Nebraska. What is your message to them?

A: "The nuts and bolts of the program are still there--the facilities, the academic counselors, the strength staff--we'll just see how the rest of it goes. Signing day is still a long way away. They'll know what the lay of the land is before they sign anything but we hope they'll hold tight. I think I can help in that regard..."

Translation: ...the way Superman can help rescue a cat from a tree. Please. If those guys were coming to play at Nebraska rather than for Nebraska then they were making the wrong choice anyway. Again, notice that I said the "nuts and bolts" of the program would still be there. The uniforms will not be changing, that's all I can guarantee.

Q: Does Callahan's multi-million dollar contract scare you? (OK, I REALLY paraphrased that one.)

A: "I haven't really looked at anyone's contract at this point but I know roughly what the dollars would be and I don't think that will be a major consideration."

Translation: Metaphorically, I'm familiar with the phrase "making it rain." We'll evaluate whether or not that's necessary at the end of the season. Or tomorrow. Probably tomorrow, but I wouldn't forecast any actual showers until at least December.

Q: Why are you doing this?

A: "Mainly because I was asked to do it."

Translation: Mainly because I was asked to do it. (Certain words and phrases in LBR Osbornish are derived from modern day English.)

In that case, let me be the first to ask: Will you call the plays this Saturday, Tom?