Husker Baby

Originally published on FOXSports.com.

Sometimes I fear for the sports fan souls of my unborn children. What if they grow up supporting a team I loathe? How can I ensure that doesn’t happen? Am I totally crazy if I do? Luckily, a few football-mad minds in Texas have come up with an answer: officially licensed, team specific videos for your baby.

Now the college game has always spun off some of the craziest fan merchandise out there. Team caskets, assorted foodstuffs, even miniature branding irons that will sear your team’s logo into your favorite tailgating fare. But a group called Team Baby Entertainment may have outdone them all last year with the release of a video called “Baby Longhorn,” which essentially works the same as those branding irons but substitutes your impressionable toddler’s mind for the Grade A beef.

Less than two years after the debut of that first video, Team Baby Entertainment has expanded their college roster to include 20 schools and deals are already in place with Major League Baseball, the NBA and NASCAR for future editions. With more schools on the way, suffice it to say, if your alma mater has a) won a national title, b) suffered major recruiting violations, and/or c) had to cut ties with a notable booster in the past 15 years, they will be available for purchase soon enough.

This all smacked of science fiction to me, from the eerie Phillip K. Dick catchphrase (“Raising Tomorrow’s Fan Today”) to the fact that Regis Philbin proclaimed “Baby Irish” one of his favorite gift ideas of the 2005 holiday season. Of course, I ordered the “Baby Cornhusker” edition immediately.

With no toddlers within arm’s reach, I was left to watch the video myself to determine its efficiency. After a brief intro featuring that sickeningly soothing, brainwashing female voice over some generic sports footage, the video is broken down into six major chapters: band, numbers, colors, traditions, location and “play.” With the aid of my telestrator, I am able to provide the following chapter by chapter analysis:

Marching Band

A nice, subtle way to ease yourself into the brainwashing. Show some shots of the marching band, play the school song and provide subtitled lyrics at the bottom. Wait, who in your target audience can read? Or maybe the better question is, if you’re going to provide the song lyrics, why are they sans bouncing ball? A major misstep here.

Numbers

This is a little easier. Each number, one through ten, is accompanied by footage of a Nebraska player with the appropriate number succeeding on the field of play. But, in trying to think like a four-year-old, I was a bit confused by the number five which used footage that showed Tommie Frazier (#15) throwing a pass to Jon Vedral (#25) that was deflected and eventually caught by Brendan Holbein (#5) for a touchdown. I was certain that multiples would be reserved for “AP: Baby Cornhusker.”

Colors

Refreshingly straightforward. There are only two colors and they are the school colors. Forget the color wheel and your box of Crayons with 64 different options. Red and white, that’s it. I only wonder if the Longhorn and Wolverine editions try to teach kids burnt orange and maize.

Traditions

Apparently the University of Nebraska has only one tradition and that is athletics. That seems fair. I wouldn’t have purchased this video if I felt otherwise.

Location

The most baffling chapter simply because I can’t see any baby being interested in seeing b-roll of students playing Frisbee on the quad from an old campus recruiting video. I remember my campus tours and they were mind-numbing. I was trying to act like I cared more about the English department than the party apartments, my mother was genuinely interested and our poor student guide was trying to convince us that he knew where the library was because he had actually used it. I was 18 at the time. I can’t imagine what it must be like for an 18-month-old.

Play

The big finale and it consists solely of children in officially licensed clothing playing with officially licensed balls. In fact, aside from the seemingly random mascot pop-ups and the occasional spelling of “Huskers,” this video is mostly kids in team licensed clothing. Apparently, even for toddlers, peer pressure is still the best motivator. And don’t worry, there are lingering shots of the other products Team Baby offers, including puzzles, mobiles and blocks. (And I thought they were here to help me, not get in my pocketbook.) If your video actually takes there’s no way you’re getting off without getting the team logo toys. You can’t put a price on not raising a rival child.

Now, it’s not really fair to apply Ebert’s thumb scrutiny to a children’s DVD as a grown Nebraska fan. The real questions at large are: does it work and would a kid want to watch it? My answers are probably and maybe.

There is enough counting, spelling, cute furry mascots and music to resemble an episode of Sesame Street as imagined by the president of your school’s booster club. But if you’re a college football fan with kids I think that if you just keep doing what you’re doing, blocking off every Saturday and maybe making Junior sit down for a few downs with you before his nap, he’ll get the picture. If you’re living in enemy territory, however, these videos might serve as a worthy insurance plan.

Don’t feel guilty, most children’s programs are brainwashing of one sort or another anyway. I know one thing: I’d rather have Tommie Frazier on eternal loop in my DVD player than the Teletubbies or Thomas the Train any day.