5 Things You Should Never Wear to a College Football Game

No fancy intro here, lists were made to be listed so let's get to it...

5 THINGS YOU SHOULD NEVER WEAR TO A COLLEGE FOOTBALL GAME

1. A foam corn head: This category really applies to any foam rubber piece of headgear made using a mold (Wolverines, Hogs and Gators included), but I'm sad to admit that my own Cornhusker faithful are by far the most egregious offenders here. Now I love corn more than a starving pilgrim in the middle of his first New England winter and I take it in all its forms--on the cob, in the can, with milk and on the rocks--but I don't ever want it higher than my lips. A big ear of foam corn makes a piece of cheese look like haute couture.

2. Camouflage: I understand the appeal here. When you're out fighting the elements and engaging in the thrill of the hunt you want to let your prey know what hit it. There you are in the blind and a succulent duck, your duck, takes flight. Boom! The hound hauls it back and you and your hat scream "War Eagle baby!" That's great if you're carrying a rifle, but if you're heading to the game the school colors should be fine.

3. Overalls of any color: Clemson seems to be Public Enemy No. 1 when it comes to Crayola-colored coveralls. All that rubbing the rock is dirty business. But as garish as this orange is it may actually be better than these striped numbers which are available in just about every color combination you can imagine. But just because they're in your team's colors doesn't mean you should take advantage of that option. Some things you can't unsee and some things you can't unwear. These overalls are both.

4. A visor: Are you a Heisman Trophy winning, 5-time SEC Coach of the Year with six conference titles and one Sears Trophy? No? Then get that half-assed hat off your head.

It takes a lot of hard work to get to the point where you can simply answer the phone with, "Yeah, this head ball coach." No question of which ball coach, no need to even ask for him by name. There is only one.

If you've achieved that level of success in your chosen field, then you can consider the visor part of your wardrobe. If not, well, you're probably better off that way anyway.

5. Stadium Pants: Nothing says I'm an asshole like these pants and you'll only pay $135 to broadcast that very fact to everyone within shouting distance.

I suppose this is a natural progression, first you get some pants with lobsters all over them to prove you probably don't ever sail boats, and that's not so bad. Nobody laughs directly in your face. But then you wake up in a bush six hours after a game some Saturday and find Colonel Reb in places you never thought possible. It happens just that quick.

I'm not quite sure which would be the more potent combination, stadium pants with a visor or coveralls with the camouflage, but I do know that both of those outfits are worn by thousands every Saturday and that doesn't even include the foam heads.

Luckily--well not really luckily more like thanks in large part to me--you won't be one of those people.

Gratuities are welcome and appreciated.