LeBron vs. Rey Mysterio?

I had the good fortune while home last weekend to catch a Saturday morning broadcast of Lucha Libre on the local Spanish-language channel. Now I'm not a fan of professional wrestling, but I do love almost all aspects of Mexican culture so I was more than happy to spend my early weekend hours with some modern day luchadores.

My Spanish was strong enough to recognize the phrase mucho macho a few times but mostly I was watching totally unaware of the storylines that might've been unfolding. But that didn't really bother me because where lucha libre succeeds is in the visual aspect. It's actually better than American professional wrestling because there is no pretense that this is actually real. It's entirely a performance, choreographed to look beautiful and inspire awe.

I don't really watch WWE or TNA, but I believe they've pretty much done away with the idea that either are real as well, but there's still an effort to make it look like the punches land. Not so south of the Rio Grande. Kayfabe doesn't exist. Chubby masekd men flew all over the...parallelogram?...in a totally orchestrated fashion and the total suspension of disbelief dumbed things down enough that I really didn't care that the wrestlers were making no effort outside of getting to their next hold or move.

Well, after watching LeBron get undercut by Amare Stoudamire trying to execute a pass-to-self off the backboard in tonight's All-Star game and hearing Doug Collins chastise Stoudamire for not playing along, I realized that the NBA could learn something here: why not script the All-Star game?

Personally, I think the NBA All-Star game is probably the best of the big four simply because basketball lends itself to individual performance. The players are all aware of this, which is why they're all jogging along at that stupid "hey-I'm-cool-and-having-fun" 3/4 speed that is generally reserved for the first four steps after you trip on a crack in the sidewalk. (Y'know, just jog it out and maybe nobody will notice.)

But if that's the case, why even risk letting stupid things like defense and fouls get in the way? Nobody thinks this is a spirited athletic competition, so why not do what lucha libre did and just remove that pretense entirely? I don't want to see failed alley-oops and bothced dunks, that's what the Slam Dunk Contest is for.

So bring in Vince McMahon, get everyone together early Saturday morning and simply write the whole thing out. We'd get a close game, some truly highlight worthy plays and maybe even an actual storyline. Shaq could toss Kobe to the ground and then get smashed with chair from behind by Caron Butler, but it wouldn't faze the Diesel, he'd just turn and give the big-eyed death stare.

This stuff has worked for the Globetrotters for 80+ years, and we're not that far away anyway as I watch Shaq kiss Tracy McGrady. Right now the All-Star game is at a WWE level, but why not take the next step? It's a lot better than watching someone laugh about another flubbed behind-the-back pass.

Other assorted All-Star Game thoughts....

--While everyone else is going for the highlight reel every play, it's nice to see Carmelo Anthony making his mark by knocking down open jumpers. And he's not just hitting them, they're all-nylon. Pretty subdued and respectful 1st-half performance for a guy who needed a tap straight from the Commish just to get in.

--Is it too early to call this year's game a bust in terms of the hype surrounding its location? Aside from one story over on The 700 Level about Bill Walton possibly being drunk on Friday night, the din from Sin City has been about as loud as the MGM lion's roar. I really thought that this would be a second Super Bowl in terms of major media and independent coverage, but there's really been nothing. This weekend seemed tailor-made for Simmons, but ESPN hasn't published anything by their go-to-guy since his "Off to Vegas" post on Wednesday. Either eveyone is still waiting at the airport for a cab or what happens in Vegas actually does stay there.

--I don't love the uniforms, but the all-star warm-up jackets are pretty smooth, but what happened to the playing-card theme? Another missed opportunity.

--And finally, how is it possible that I haven't seen an Elvis impersonator yet? We had that French circus and Wayne Newton and the Rat Pack, but what about the King?!

--I guess the good news is that the West has scored 105 points in just over 31 minutes. It's about the only all-star caliber performance of the night.

Excuse me while I pepper my tongue with lymon paintballs.